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We should never quarrel or reveal private matters in public or with children.

Rule #5: Keep It Private.

Many couples get into trouble when they choose to confide in someone outside of their marriage relationship. Too often people draw family or friends into their drama instead of speaking directly with the person with which they are in tension.

Matt 18:15 -- If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.

When we triangulate a third party into our relationship, we undermine the trust in the relationship.  We should not be complaining or sharing personal information about our spouse or our conflict with coworkers or friends. Confiding in someone outside the marriage is not only unfair to your spouse, it can open doors of intimacy to those outside of marriage and lead to an affairs.

So what do you do when your spouse isn’t receptive to your concerns?  Matthew advises that if we don’t get our brother to listen then we should bring in a third party.  That third party should not be her mother or his best friend. If a couple needs third party intervention it should be with a counselor or pastor who is trained to mediate. We muddy the waters of relationships when we draw other family and friends in to take our side.

Kids should never be the third party in our marital challenges. We should always keep our children out of our conflicts. It's one thing to model healthy conflict for kids, but quite another to ask them to take sides or see what your spouse it really like. Kids need their home to be their safe haven, not a place of conflict. As much as possible we should present  unified parenting to our kids.  It is quite damaging  for them to be pulled into dealing with adults' issues or forced to side between parents--it a major sign of dangerous dysfunction and that it's time for professional help. If your kids are already taking sides, take pains to remove them from the conflict. Your kids will suffer wounds if their home becomes a battleground. 


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